The Dark Side of Sewing

Disclaimer - this post is for giggles, but you knew that didn't you?

Sewing is fun. Sewing allows us have clothes that fit well.  Sewing lets us express ourselves creatively. There's no end to the positive attributes of sewing that we love to talk about at length.  So much so that our non sewing friends have long since passed into a coma of boredom.  But like any addiction there's a dark side that we like to keep mum about. It's not all pretty prints and designer card stock people. Sometime it's sliced fingers and burnt fabric. So in the effort of full disclosure, I'm going to take a minute to peek behind the curtain and talk about the dangers of sewing.

1. Exponential Stash Expansion
It starts out so innocently, a couple fabric purchases tidily folded up and stacked in a plastic container. But left unsupervised fabric breeds like rabbits. First you need a second plastic container and then 4 more.  You start throwing other things to have more closet space, all the while telling yourself that it's not a problem. Then the fabric begins migrating out to other rooms, leaving thready trails in it's wake.  How did that pile of fabric end up on the dinning room table?  Another threatens to topple over on you every time you open the linen closet. (Note - fabric yardage totally counts as linens.) Yet you still find yourself trolling the internet looking for new babies.  When will it ever stop?  Probably only after they pry some silk out of your cold dead hands.

2. Spousal Fabric Friction
Your spouse comes home from work to find another box on the front steps.  He comes in the door with an accusatory look and chucks the box in your general direction. He might even say, "Is that fabric? Why do you need more?" He seems to be concerned about the pile of fabric on his nightstand toppling over and smothering him at night.  You make excuses like, "It's a present for someone," or "I need this for work, " or even, "Robots ordered this while I slept." He doesn't seem to buy it. You vow to keep a better eye out for the mail man and hide the boxes next time. It's not like anyone is going to notice the mountain of cardboard in the basement.

3. Mild Child Neglect
Sure you make sure that your kid/kids is/are clothed, fed, and not waving around giant knives without supervision. But the phrase "Go play your toys, Mommy needs to sew," is routinely uttered. TV watching watching may even be encouraged if it means you can get 15 uninterrupted minutes to finish this darn hem. "You want to watch another episode of "Young Justice" starring Aqua Lad? Be my guest. We'll talk about DC's ridiculous lad phase at a later time." Mild child neglect maybe also bleed over to aspects of sewing blogging.  Such as yelling to either get into the camera frame or stay out of it depending on who is supposed to be modeling the clothing.  (Note - child will do the opposite.) Let's not forgot about blog writing and your pleas to, "Keep down that racket, mommy's trying to write. Yes I know I've been telling you that for the last 2 hours. Mommy doesn't have a good grasp of the English language."  Do this long enough and your child will tell you to "Go work on your fabric," when you try to talk to them.  No problem, now you have permission to sew.......right after they hand over the rotary cutter.

4. Sewing Planning Insomnia
Tucked tight up in your bed, you're ready for sugar plum faeries to dance in your head.  Instead patterns and fabrics appear and start filling your brain with ideas.  Yes, that cotton would be perfect for a button down skirt. Hmmmmm, maybe you should make that dress pattern you've been hoarding for the next family get together.  Or maybe you need a dress with lobsters on it. OMG, why did you not realize that you needed hot pink zebra leggings until now?! All of a sudden it's 2 am and your mental sewing list is a mile long.  At least you're not the least bit tired now, might as well get started.  Running on no sleep is future you's problem, right now you've got things to sew.

5. Inability to buy RTW
Whether it be lack of time or not having the skills/inclination, sometimes you need to buy RTW clothing.  This doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but sooner or latter you realize your standards are now ridiculously high. Why do these pants fit like crap?  Does the waistband really need to be 3" too big. Oh my word, was this hem sewn by a pack of drunk monkeys?! And poorly trained drunk monkeys to. Mine does much better work even on a full bender.  After criticizing sewing skills sets of the animal kingdom you are still left with a Sophie's choice.  A - Leave the store in disgust with no new clothing, doomed to wear the same 2 ratty pairs of yoga pants for another month/until they fall off your body. B - Purchase ill fitting clothing and grumble about how you could have spent that money on nice fabric instead. Actually there is a C - Tell yourself that you'll stay up late and finally sew those pants.  Then go use that money to purchase new shoes. The pants might not get sewn, but at least your feet look good.

6. Wadder Rage
After spending hours carefully sewing a garment from start to finish it is finally complete. You excitedly try it on only to find it looks like crap. Your excitement morphs into a deep rage which bubbles up from your core.  With a Hulk like scream you rip off the offending garment and throw it across the room. Then you start yelling about seam allowances and no good drafting.....maybe about all these darn socks all over the floor.  Can no one put things in the hamper? Seriously what is the deal? Pets and small children scatter in your wake knowing that mommy is looking to smash things.  Older children fling chocolate in your general area and hope for the best. Your spouse quickly rounds up the kids and announces "It's time for an ice cream trip cause Mommy needs some alone time."  All sneak out the back hoping you will no longer be holding a seam ripper in a threatening manner when they return.   (Note- Wadder rage has a cousin, Sewing Tourettes.  If find yourself routinely cursing at your sewing machine, you may have sewing touretts.  This also might be how your children learn all their "colorful metaphors.")

I hope this PSA has opened your eyes.  Keep sewing my friends but beware of the dark side.......unless you've already mastered light saber fabric cutting. If so give me a call, I've got a lot of yardage to laser.