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4.17.2014

The Dark Side of Sewing

Disclaimer - this post is for giggles, but you knew that didn't you?

Sewing is fun. Sewing allows us have clothes that fit well.  Sewing lets us express ourselves creatively. There's no end to the positive attributes of sewing that we love to talk about at length.  So much so that our non sewing friends have long since passed into a coma of boredom.  But like any addiction there's a dark side that we like to keep mum about. It's not all pretty prints and designer card stock people. Sometime it's sliced fingers and burnt fabric. So in the effort of full disclosure, I'm going to take a minute to peek behind the curtain and talk about the dangers of sewing.

1. Exponential Stash Expansion
It starts out so innocently, a couple fabric purchases tidily folded up and stacked in a plastic container. But left unsupervised fabric breeds like rabbits. First you need a second plastic container and then 4 more.  You start throwing other things to have more closet space, all the while telling yourself that it's not a problem. Then the fabric begins migrating out to other rooms, leaving thready trails in it's wake.  How did that pile of fabric end up on the dinning room table?  Another threatens to topple over on you every time you open the linen closet. (Note - fabric yardage totally counts as linens.) Yet you still find yourself trolling the internet looking for new babies.  When will it ever stop?  Probably only after they pry some silk out of your cold dead hands.

2. Spousal Fabric Friction
Your spouse comes home from work to find another box on the front steps.  He comes in the door with an accusatory look and chucks the box in your general direction. He might even say, "Is that fabric? Why do you need more?" He seems to be concerned about the pile of fabric on his nightstand toppling over and smothering him at night.  You make excuses like, "It's a present for someone," or "I need this for work, " or even, "Robots ordered this while I slept." He doesn't seem to buy it. You vow to keep a better eye out for the mail man and hide the boxes next time. It's not like anyone is going to notice the mountain of cardboard in the basement.

3. Mild Child Neglect
Sure you make sure that your kid/kids is/are clothed, fed, and not waving around giant knives without supervision. But the phrase "Go play your toys, Mommy needs to sew," is routinely uttered. TV watching watching may even be encouraged if it means you can get 15 uninterrupted minutes to finish this darn hem. "You want to watch another episode of "Young Justice" starring Aqua Lad? Be my guest. We'll talk about DC's ridiculous lad phase at a later time." Mild child neglect maybe also bleed over to aspects of sewing blogging.  Such as yelling to either get into the camera frame or stay out of it depending on who is supposed to be modeling the clothing.  (Note - child will do the opposite.) Let's not forgot about blog writing and your pleas to, "Keep down that racket, mommy's trying to write. Yes I know I've been telling you that for the last 2 hours. Mommy doesn't have a good grasp of the English language."  Do this long enough and your child will tell you to "Go work on your fabric," when you try to talk to them.  No problem, now you have permission to sew.......right after they hand over the rotary cutter.

4. Sewing Planning Insomnia
Tucked tight up in your bed, you're ready for sugar plum faeries to dance in your head.  Instead patterns and fabrics appear and start filling your brain with ideas.  Yes, that cotton would be perfect for a button down skirt. Hmmmmm, maybe you should make that dress pattern you've been hoarding for the next family get together.  Or maybe you need a dress with lobsters on it. OMG, why did you not realize that you needed hot pink zebra leggings until now?! All of a sudden it's 2 am and your mental sewing list is a mile long.  At least you're not the least bit tired now, might as well get started.  Running on no sleep is future you's problem, right now you've got things to sew.

5. Inability to buy RTW
Whether it be lack of time or not having the skills/inclination, sometimes you need to buy RTW clothing.  This doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but sooner or latter you realize your standards are now ridiculously high. Why do these pants fit like crap?  Does the waistband really need to be 3" too big. Oh my word, was this hem sewn by a pack of drunk monkeys?! And poorly trained drunk monkeys to. Mine does much better work even on a full bender.  After criticizing sewing skills sets of the animal kingdom you are still left with a Sophie's choice.  A - Leave the store in disgust with no new clothing, doomed to wear the same 2 ratty pairs of yoga pants for another month/until they fall off your body. B - Purchase ill fitting clothing and grumble about how you could have spent that money on nice fabric instead. Actually there is a C - Tell yourself that you'll stay up late and finally sew those pants.  Then go use that money to purchase new shoes. The pants might not get sewn, but at least your feet look good.

6. Wadder Rage
After spending hours carefully sewing a garment from start to finish it is finally complete. You excitedly try it on only to find it looks like crap. Your excitement morphs into a deep rage which bubbles up from your core.  With a Hulk like scream you rip off the offending garment and throw it across the room. Then you start yelling about seam allowances and no good drafting.....maybe about all these darn socks all over the floor.  Can no one put things in the hamper? Seriously what is the deal? Pets and small children scatter in your wake knowing that mommy is looking to smash things.  Older children fling chocolate in your general area and hope for the best. Your spouse quickly rounds up the kids and announces "It's time for an ice cream trip cause Mommy needs some alone time."  All sneak out the back hoping you will no longer be holding a seam ripper in a threatening manner when they return.   (Note- Wadder rage has a cousin, Sewing Tourettes.  If find yourself routinely cursing at your sewing machine, you may have sewing touretts.  This also might be how your children learn all their "colorful metaphors.")
I hope this PSA has opened your eyes.  Keep sewing my friends but beware of the dark side.......unless you've already mastered light saber fabric cutting. If so give me a call, I've got a lot of yardage to laser.

68 comments:

  1. Oh, so true! Thanks for the laugh! :)

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  2. What are you talking about? I have never exhibited any of these behaviors! I always sew calmly, perfectly, and without swearage.What stash? No, my credit card is not maxed out to EOS, Gorgeous Fabrics, and Fabric.com. I hope you get help for your problems, HeatherB.

    Maris
    recently moved and now living in Da Nile

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  3. Yikes! I fit the qualifications of all but #2 - fortunately for now my hubs doesn't mind.... but he also doesn't know the half of it! LOL. Great read and thanks for the laugh to start my day :D now to get back to that growing list of must makes.

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  4. Giggling out loud, (GOLing if you will) my cat is looking at me like I'm crazy.....well crazier than usual.

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  5. Hahaha! Those are fantastic and oh so true!

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  6. bahahaha! I know wadder rage all too well. well come on let's be honest with myself here, I know them all to well. And the profanities that come out of my sewing room...you'd think a drunken pirate was sitting at my machine!

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  7. "Actually there is a C - Tell yourself that you'll stay up late and finally sew those pants. Then go use that money to purchase new shoes. The pants might not get sewn, but at least your feet look good."


    This is the story of my life.

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  8. I bet light sabers would cut fabric beautifully, searing the edge with a nice burn so it would fray...

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  9. ROFL! I think this blog post needs to hang on every sewing room wall!

    I think I relate most to # 1, #4 and #5 - but I do often find myself locking the dog in the kitchen just so I can sew without interruption.

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  10. Ahhhh these are all too true!!! Except for #3 since I don't have any children...dog neglect counts too right?!

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  11. Ha Ha, number 4 is so true for me! (ok, they all are...) Thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it, I'm tired.

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  12. Oh yes yes yes. All absolutely true. Especially the stuff about the other half. Hahaha. Sewmanju.wordpress.com

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  13. LOL! Oh my word!! So true, all of it! I have had a recent bout of wadder rage! I tossed it out so quick that I didn't get pics...I couldn't stand the sight of it. Banished it from my memory forever. :)

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  14. Oh the shame...I fully fit the profile. Especially the wadder (or even just minor mistake) rage and the inability to buy RTW and wearing dodgy yoga pants--which I happen to be wearing right now, LOL. I don't get to buy shoes with my extra though...is that something I can sign up for?

    My son does tell me to go sew, but usually he's indicating something he wants ME to sew for HIM. Which leaves me conflicted--it's awesome that he loves the stuff I make that he wants more, but I want more time to sew for ME...which after dropping 20 lbs I desperately need to get on it or buckle down and buy some RTW.

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  15. Ohhhhh noooooooo, I totally relate to ALL of these! There's a serious dark side to sewing!

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  16. LOL sounds familiar! Who dies with the most fabric wins!!!

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  17. Numbers 3, 4 and 5 just hit way too close to home. "You want to watch more Daniel Tiger? Great. Mommy's going upstairs for a few more minutes."

    And I don't know when I started to fall asleep thinking about potential sewing projects but secretly I kind of like it.

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  18. haaaaaa! so much truth. all of it.

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  19. Haha! Except that I don't have children yet, I do all of these things. My husband isn't tooo bad anymore because I make sure he gets to spend money on toys too, but he sure does roll his eyes a lot

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  20. Whaaaaaat? I have never, ever cussed at my machine.... oh wait, that's my imaginary twin sister that does nothing wrong. I think I may have, surely I mutter in my sewing room all the time!

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  21. Heather, this is just so true....I recently had a nurse take out some sutures, and she admired my me made dress (and not one of my better me mades either). She loved it and claimed I had inspired her to sew. I went home sad for her...all those sleepless nights worrying about a wobble in the seam, agonising about hem lengths, obsessing about fit...poor thing - what had I done???

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  22. Oh my gosh! You have described my life! It is like you are watching my household. I am a sewing hoarder.

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  23. Absolutely cacking myself...thanks for the laugh..

    (And yes I can tick all the bixes)

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  24. So true! Made me smile on an early morning, thank you.

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  25. Charity Shop ChicApril 18, 2014 at 3:49 AM

    Heather, it's like you've been round to my house to watch me sew and these are all about me (replacing child neglect with spousal neglect) I'm laughing my head off but secretly worried about how close to the bone these are! Great post!

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  26. Oh Heather, I laughed and laughed. I so totally have sewing tourettes. My kids ask why I like sewing so much when it seems to make me so angry!!
    I think all sewists are eternal optimists! I made a pact with myself to wander my local high street and find something wearable, found a very pretty T shirt/knit combo thing. Alas... $1200. Yes, I said $1200.00. Hmm, I thought, thats why I need to get back to that *^&%, blasted sewing machine!

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  27. Ha ha aha ha haha ha!
    Your kids might not be old enough for the "eye roll of disgust" when take of sewing starts. I'm multicraftual so I have these symptoms all the time for so many things.
    Thank you for a laugh this morning!

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  28. Giggled myself silly reading this last night. I've done the 'stalk mail deliverer, grab box, unwrap [happy dance], quickly break down box and hide evidence'. Max usually asks me if I bought more shoes [with angry face]. Your family should be nice to you, they never know when you may train your yardage to attack :).

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  29. Have you been eavesdropping in my house? I am coping with some "fabric shame" from a Fabric Mart trip this week so thanks for understanding. Some of it is currently hidden in the washing machine and the ret of it is bursting from behind the fabric closet doors. Maybe the same elves who put it there will get it sewn up this month.

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  30. All so very true!! Thanks for making me giggle.

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  31. The truth will set us free.....or maybe enable more fabric purchases. :)

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  32. Haaa haaa! Is there a support group for my problems? Does it meet in the EOS basement? Can I roll in the roll ends? LOL!

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  33. I'm glad your hubs doesn't mind about the fabric Kristin. But let's keep that stash total to ourselves. :)

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  34. LOL! That drunken pirate visits my house too and he never listens to me about nixing the salty language.

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  35. :) Let's look at our awesome shoe collection to make ourselves feel better about the lack of pants in our drawers. :)

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  36. Heck yeah MaLora. I wonder if they have tiny light sabers so that I could do some fine detail work like scalloped edges.

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  37. LOL Thanks Kathy. At least we can laugh at our sewing pitfalls.

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  38. Dog neglect totally counts, they're just furry children.

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  39. Darn fun ideas keeping us awake. Don't they know we need to sleep so we can sew! I'll tell your brain to cool it for a few days so you can recharge.

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  40. Haah haaa thanks Beth. Pssst we'd better smuggle some of that cardboard out of the basement when no one is looking.

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  41. :) We need some sort of brain washing device for our other halves. Fabric is gooooood, fabric is happiness.

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  42. That nasty wadder never even was Margo. On the plus side your wadder dues should be paid for the immediate future.

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  43. Oh man, that is rough. Needing clothing, but finding all the RTW stuff to be total crap. I will send Froggie over to whip something up for you.

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  44. Come to the dark side, we have cookies. And fabric, lots and lots of fabric. :)

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  45. Wooo Hooooo!!!! Let's buy some more fabric immediately to celebrate stashes.

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  46. That is true. All must be read and then there are many, many, many more things that need to be sewn.

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  47. I'm glad you and your husband have come to a mutual toy buying arrangement. That does make fabric purchasing less hazardous. ;)

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  48. Haa haaa, Muttering is allowed, so is sweet talking your machine.

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  49. LOL! You've forever scared her. But we have to convert people to our evil/fun sewing ranks.

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  50. LOL! I'm watching yoooooouuuu. No really, I'm a big hoarder too. All the pretty fabric is mine.

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  51. Only laughing and maybe snort giggling.

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  52. Haa haa, glad that you got a good laugh from all this silliness. I can tick all the boxes too. Solidarity.

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  53. Hee heee, glad to give you a smile Jenni. That's almost as good as buying fabric.

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  54. I've just been chilling in a corner of your sewing space all this time. Shhhh don't tell your spouse but I hid a box of fabric for you.

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  55. LOL! That's so funny. I always tell my son, "Mommy's not yelling at you. I just make a mistake." He probably wonders what's wrong with me.

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  56. Oh no, not the "eye roll of disgust". My husband does that from time to time. Little do they know that the multicraftual gene lurks in their own bodies. Muhaaaa!

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  57. I had all these shoes already. All Of Them! Also, ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.

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  58. I have been eavesdropping, but only to see what fabric you bought. Fabric Mart has been asking for it with all their sale emails. You'll get no blame from me on that account.

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  59. We are all dark Sith in the making! Muhaaa haaa, just really fashionable ones.

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  60. Love this so much, Heather. Disturbingly true. Last night I was so focused on my blog post that I neglected to do the cat litter or take out the trash, and all but ignored my boyfriend when he got home. I woke this morning and thought, "I'm SO that Heather post!"

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  61. Oh my word, was this hem sewn by a pack of drunk monkeys?! And poorly trained drunk monkeys to. Mine does much better work even on a full bender. Hell yes. Oh dear, I was crying with laughter.

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  62. LOL! Well I write from experience so we can ignore our loved ones and housework together. :)

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  63. Hee hee hee, had to get a drunk monkey reference in there. They're comedy gold!

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  64. I am a wee bit behind but this is a brilliant post. True story

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  65. This gave me a good chuckle especially number 6. Just hilarious, I always think of the poor kids of sewing fiends like us...wonder what their therapists will say to them one day!

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  66. "I had to lock up her fabric to get her to talk to me." hee hee hee.

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