Coming to an imaginary theater near you.....

(Beginning of movie voice over by that guy who does all the "In a world..." movie trailers.)

In 2009 John Rambo was killed by terrorists, but not before the government had taken samples of his DNA. Concerned with homeland security, the government assembled a crack team of scientists and tasked them with top secret project "First Blood." The goal of the project was to clone fully grown super soldiers from Rambo's DNA. *The project was going well until a fluke lab accident damaged the Y chromosome on the source DNA.  Unable to make carbon copy clones of John Rambo, the team came up with a different plan. They would make a female super solider, one that was as good with a gun as she was with a needle.......and so Jessica Rambo was born.

(Cut to first person narrative from our hero Jessica Rambo)
Returning to my quarters from a kali training session, I found a message from central command.  Major Seamstress Erin had sent down orders for my next assignment. I was to join the top secret mission classifed as The Rambo Project.

Command would be sending me a turban from one of my "father's" prior missions in order that I create suitable garments for tracking down my next target. More instructions were coming in the mail so be prepared.  I cleaned my gun and sharpened my Gingers, now I was ready for anything.

The package arrive a few days later containing 3/4 of a turban and a note written in code to inform me to my next target.  As I removed the turban from it's wrappings I was stuck with a sense of deja vu. Hadn't I seen this turban being worn before?  Had I ripped it into pieces with my gunfire?

A hazy image flickered in my mind.....but no, that wasn't me. No matter, I had orders to obey.

My fabric yardage was limited but I'd make it work, just like Sargent Gunn had always told me. My brain rifled through the possibilities and it became clear that there was only one that would serve my needs. I was a warrior queen and would dress like one.  I ordered Private Froggie to get out the pattern from the Craftsy Bombshell dress class.  A little extra explosive power comes in handy in my line of work.

We worked through the night, carefully considering stripe placement and irregularities in the fabric.  Private Froggie threw his paws up in the air in disgust more than once, but I told him not to despair. **Once you've had to make garments out of stockings and clear vinyl, then turban garments are a cake walk.

My original plan was to attach shorts to the bustier, for those times I have to run through the jungle exchanging sniper fire with masked bandits. Sadly, it was discovered that there was not enough yardage to cut shorts that would cover my "muscular" backside.  Private Froggie and I did some quick calculations and drafted up a mini skirt that would make the most of our remaining fabric.

After sewing the skirt to the bustier and putting in a zipper, I sent Private Froggie off to fill up my bandoleers. One with bullets, the other with red lipstick. While he was doing that, I made up a bustier lining and sewed in featherlight boning to help the garment retain it's shape.  My plastic boning stores came up a bit short, so we had to close up the lining and hope for the best.

I put on my poisoned red lipstick and shoes with hidden knives in the soles to go get photographic evidence that the first part of my mission had been completed. Private Froggie stopped me and said that the ensemble was missing one thing. He pulled out a red head band and I knew he was right, a true Rambo always wears red.

As I tied on my head band I told Private Froggie to saddle up, it was time to hit our target.  Look out evil doers, we're coming for you.

Need more Rambo?  Check out the ladies who have already posted their Rambo projects.
Oona of OonaBalloona – La Wrambette
Sonja of Ginger Makes - Swingy Summer Top
Shams of Communing with Fabric – Jeans Style Jacket
Tempest of Fanbloomingtastic - John Rambo’s Worst Nightmare
Lauren of Lladybird - Slutty Bralette
Leila of Three Dresses Project- Hummingbird Skirt
Keep checking back on Seamstress Erin's announcement page for new links to go live.

* Blatant rip off of X-23. Sorry fellow Marvel fans.

** True story, I had a college course similar to the Project Runway challenges where they have to make garments out of candy or random things you find at the store. Sadly I have no photographic evidence of these garments.

The Dark Side of Sewing

Disclaimer - this post is for giggles, but you knew that didn't you?

Sewing is fun. Sewing allows us have clothes that fit well.  Sewing lets us express ourselves creatively. There's no end to the positive attributes of sewing that we love to talk about at length.  So much so that our non sewing friends have long since passed into a coma of boredom.  But like any addiction there's a dark side that we like to keep mum about. It's not all pretty prints and designer card stock people. Sometime it's sliced fingers and burnt fabric. So in the effort of full disclosure, I'm going to take a minute to peek behind the curtain and talk about the dangers of sewing.

1. Exponential Stash Expansion
It starts out so innocently, a couple fabric purchases tidily folded up and stacked in a plastic container. But left unsupervised fabric breeds like rabbits. First you need a second plastic container and then 4 more.  You start throwing other things to have more closet space, all the while telling yourself that it's not a problem. Then the fabric begins migrating out to other rooms, leaving thready trails in it's wake.  How did that pile of fabric end up on the dinning room table?  Another threatens to topple over on you every time you open the linen closet. (Note - fabric yardage totally counts as linens.) Yet you still find yourself trolling the internet looking for new babies.  When will it ever stop?  Probably only after they pry some silk out of your cold dead hands.

2. Spousal Fabric Friction
Your spouse comes home from work to find another box on the front steps.  He comes in the door with an accusatory look and chucks the box in your general direction. He might even say, "Is that fabric? Why do you need more?" He seems to be concerned about the pile of fabric on his nightstand toppling over and smothering him at night.  You make excuses like, "It's a present for someone," or "I need this for work, " or even, "Robots ordered this while I slept." He doesn't seem to buy it. You vow to keep a better eye out for the mail man and hide the boxes next time. It's not like anyone is going to notice the mountain of cardboard in the basement.

3. Mild Child Neglect
Sure you make sure that your kid/kids is/are clothed, fed, and not waving around giant knives without supervision. But the phrase "Go play your toys, Mommy needs to sew," is routinely uttered. TV watching watching may even be encouraged if it means you can get 15 uninterrupted minutes to finish this darn hem. "You want to watch another episode of "Young Justice" starring Aqua Lad? Be my guest. We'll talk about DC's ridiculous lad phase at a later time." Mild child neglect maybe also bleed over to aspects of sewing blogging.  Such as yelling to either get into the camera frame or stay out of it depending on who is supposed to be modeling the clothing.  (Note - child will do the opposite.) Let's not forgot about blog writing and your pleas to, "Keep down that racket, mommy's trying to write. Yes I know I've been telling you that for the last 2 hours. Mommy doesn't have a good grasp of the English language."  Do this long enough and your child will tell you to "Go work on your fabric," when you try to talk to them.  No problem, now you have permission to sew.......right after they hand over the rotary cutter.

4. Sewing Planning Insomnia
Tucked tight up in your bed, you're ready for sugar plum faeries to dance in your head.  Instead patterns and fabrics appear and start filling your brain with ideas.  Yes, that cotton would be perfect for a button down skirt. Hmmmmm, maybe you should make that dress pattern you've been hoarding for the next family get together.  Or maybe you need a dress with lobsters on it. OMG, why did you not realize that you needed hot pink zebra leggings until now?! All of a sudden it's 2 am and your mental sewing list is a mile long.  At least you're not the least bit tired now, might as well get started.  Running on no sleep is future you's problem, right now you've got things to sew.

5. Inability to buy RTW
Whether it be lack of time or not having the skills/inclination, sometimes you need to buy RTW clothing.  This doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but sooner or latter you realize your standards are now ridiculously high. Why do these pants fit like crap?  Does the waistband really need to be 3" too big. Oh my word, was this hem sewn by a pack of drunk monkeys?! And poorly trained drunk monkeys to. Mine does much better work even on a full bender.  After criticizing sewing skills sets of the animal kingdom you are still left with a Sophie's choice.  A - Leave the store in disgust with no new clothing, doomed to wear the same 2 ratty pairs of yoga pants for another month/until they fall off your body. B - Purchase ill fitting clothing and grumble about how you could have spent that money on nice fabric instead. Actually there is a C - Tell yourself that you'll stay up late and finally sew those pants.  Then go use that money to purchase new shoes. The pants might not get sewn, but at least your feet look good.

6. Wadder Rage
After spending hours carefully sewing a garment from start to finish it is finally complete. You excitedly try it on only to find it looks like crap. Your excitement morphs into a deep rage which bubbles up from your core.  With a Hulk like scream you rip off the offending garment and throw it across the room. Then you start yelling about seam allowances and no good drafting.....maybe about all these darn socks all over the floor.  Can no one put things in the hamper? Seriously what is the deal? Pets and small children scatter in your wake knowing that mommy is looking to smash things.  Older children fling chocolate in your general area and hope for the best. Your spouse quickly rounds up the kids and announces "It's time for an ice cream trip cause Mommy needs some alone time."  All sneak out the back hoping you will no longer be holding a seam ripper in a threatening manner when they return.   (Note- Wadder rage has a cousin, Sewing Tourettes.  If find yourself routinely cursing at your sewing machine, you may have sewing touretts.  This also might be how your children learn all their "colorful metaphors.")

I hope this PSA has opened your eyes.  Keep sewing my friends but beware of the dark side.......unless you've already mastered light saber fabric cutting. If so give me a call, I've got a lot of yardage to laser.

Confession - I am a pattern addict

This weekend I was reading Jennifer's latest blog post about her TMPTMF syndrome, too many patterns/too much fabric, for those of you not in the "know".  This got me wondering, "Do I also have TMPTMF?" I certainly have A LOT of fabric and my "to buy" pattern list never comes to an end. These seem like the only criteria needed to contract TMPTMF.

But haven given it so more thought, it seems that TMPTMF is not my problem.  First there is never too much fabric, only too little storage space. When my husband says my stash has everything I can accurately tell him the holes it has that currently need to be filled. (Solid knit colors and cheaper black jersey. I ain't sewing up that milk/silk blend that cost 28 bucks a yard into T-shirts honey.)  Second, I'm always jonesing for new patterns. Show me something new, something interesting, some new designer, some garment I didn't know I needed, or that exact garment I really want a pattern for.  MOARRRRR Patterns baby, I need a hit! OK guys, I'm just gonna say it.  "Hello my name is Heather and I am a pattern addict."

It takes a lot of factors for a pattern to become a finished garment in this house.  A pattern is always in danger of being replaced by another that is new and shiny. One that hasn't yet revealed that it's gonna need 3 muslins to fit right. One that is a super exciting garment. Or maybe life just benches a pattern for awhile and I don't feel like picking it back up again.  My pattern buying/making cycle goes something like this..... if it was a choose your own adventure book

1. See new pattern, think "OMG Take My Money and give me that pattern."  Order and dance with glee. Probably tweet about said pattern purchase, cause you guys need to know that I have procured more pattern goodness.  All the patterns Heather keeping up her reputation!

2. Excitingly waiting for pattern to arrive. I don't want to sew any of this stuff on my table right now, all I want to sew is that pattern that is NOT HERE YET. Oh god why? *Lurk around front of the house for mail man to show up.* Maybe I need to search the internet for more patterns.....just to fill the time.

3. Pattern is here!  Happy Happy Joy Joy! Open package and ...
a. happily start tracing.
b. suddenly don't want to sew it anymore. Some new pattern has appeared and all I can think about is that one. Fickle sewcialist I put it in the downstairs pattern drawer. Maybe someday I'll decide to sew it after all...or maybe it will get moved to the upstairs box.  Oh no pattern graveyard!

Don't worry patterns, I still want to sew you if you're in this drawer.

4. For patterns that I trace it's now first muslin time. That carefree time where I'm sure everything will fit just fine with my regular pattern tweaks.  Try muslin on and...
a. Muslin does fit fine! I will ignore new patterns and continue making this garment.
b. Muslin fits OK, but needs second muslin. "You have displeased me pattern, sit in time out while I decide whether to replace you with that awesome new pattern I saw in the net."
c. Muslin fits like crap.  Actively purchase new pattern while throwing the other in the pattern graveyard. "That will teach you!"

This Bellatrix muslin is in time out only cause I'm busy not cause it's naughty. Poor baby.

5. Happy Pattern, you've made it through my muslin stage and will now be cut out in real fabric.  But wait, your perils are not over for my pattern eye is always wandering. I fire up the sewing machine and....
a. Sewing goes quickly and without any major hair pulling moments. Maybe I even have a period drama to watch so I don't put off hand hemming for a week.  You are now a finished garment. Achievement Unlocked!
b. Sewing starts dragging and I start thinking about new shiny patterns that won't make me set sleeves twice. Maybe you are lucky pattern and I have chosen a nice fabric that makes me continue on in my efforts.  But the clock is ticking and you best be finished before an Indy designer releases a new collection.
c. Sewing becomes a grueling slog of ripped out seams and on the fly adjustments.  I am covered with ripped out bits of thread and have probably stabbed myself with some shears. My eyes glaze over and I see new patterns dancing in their glossy envelops/hipster environmentally friendly packaging that promise me all sorts of things.  I can't help myself, I'm a slutty pattern addict and I reach for a new one. Pattern you have failed me and your garment is resigned to a box. *Cue sad horn*

Actually this is a perfectly good Archer that is just waiting for some sewing time. Love you Archer pattern! Smooches.

So any you got some new patterns? You do? Meet me in the alley behind my house in 10 minutes. I'll bring the Christmas cookies, you bring the pattern. *Puts pattern envelope to my nose and sniffs* Ahhhhh yeah, that's the good stuff.

Extra Silliness - Blog Voices

I'm joining the sewcialist crowd and posting my blog voice.  The fun of this meme is to show now language pronunciations varies around the world.  I don't mention it until half way through my video but I currently reside in the Philly burbs....and yes I love "Rocky."

To do the meme you had to pronounce the word below and then answer the list of questions.

List of Words:Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

List of Questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

And for more fun/learning on this topic here's the link to the linguist maps I mention in my video.